#22 - I Don't Want to Talk

Around this time of the year in 2016, I wrote the following in my notebook as part of a stream-of-consciousness exercise.

I can’t see. It’s dark. I can’t move. I wish I had these excuses. I’m lost, and I have not yet fought. It’s dark. I can’t see. It’s over. How perverse it is that I want it to be over. Over either way. Over until we are bruised and bleeding and beyond sad because then something would have happened, and more than words. More than words. I can’t see. It’s dark. I fell.

One day I will buy a house and I will let anyone who needs to sleep inside it, and it will be full to the rafters. And I will buy food and anyone who needs to will eat it and I may starve. Because I always knew that if I grew hungry I would feed a cat first and a man or a woman or a child is so much more than a cat.

And some say that taking care of oneself is an act of protest and I take a tight grip of that phrase and I pray to God that it is true, although I do not believe in God. Elie Wiesel taught me not to believe in God, therefore my teachers taught me not to believe in God, and some people I love would call that indoctrination, but some others would say that Elie Wiesel was lying in the first place.

And the greatest act of political righteousness is to believe others when they tell you that something is true. And I mean righteousness in the pious sense, and not the slick, snide way that some do.

It’s dark. I’m weak. I can’t see.

Help.

The Improvised Holiday Musical!

You don’t want to miss Rodgers & Hammertime’s last shows of the year! We bring you a fully-improvised holiday musical just for you in this all-audiences romp, accompanied by the incomparable Marcelo Berestovoy on guitar. You have three chances to see us in December — come ring out the old and ring in the new with a song!

Camp Death

I’m back at it this winter in my second melodrama at the Pocket Sandwich Theatre! This time around I’ll be playing Jane in the slasher send-up “Camp Death”, one of a pair of hapless lovers who just want a quiet place to make out in peace. Watch this space for tickets - it’s going to be a spooky, campy good time.

Recent Gigs

Since my last update I have provided additional voices for the following shows on Crunchyroll:

• Tying the Knot with an Amagami Sister, Episode 5

• Natsume’s Book of Friends, Episode 79

• Nina the Starry Bride, Episodes 7 & 8

Consume!

One could argue that all artists are addicts, but not in the way the stereotypes suggest. No matter the medium, the artist pursues some ineffable feeling of “rightness” through what they produce — sometimes supplemented by booze, weed, sex, or other thrills.

Bechdel, best known for her breakout hit “Fun Home”, tracks her obsession with fitness and exercise over the course of five decades, spotlighting trends coming and going alongside her own attention to her relationships, her art, and her own sense of self. This is NOT a straightforward ride — rather we see Bechdel, to use her own metaphor, taking a backwoods trail through her own past, examining each landmark for significance, at times giving the reader a glimpse of natural beauty in the form of literal landscapes or a pivotal moment of self-discovery. Wonderfully personal, relaxing and heart-tugging at turns, “The Secret to Superhuman Strength” is a great autobiography for the avoidant creative, or really anyone with an itch to put their troubles in perspective.

Performance of the Week

Bluelock: Season 2 is getting a lot of flack from the fans for its poor and inconsistent animation quality (spare a thought for the overworked, underpaid artists). I can’t really argue with them after finally starting the U-20 arc myself - but if you’re invested in the story, watching the dub is the way to go.

A slew of talented boys (and some girls) just joined the cast, and I’m tickled to hear more from Van Barr Jr. as top striker Ryusei Shidou. The character had JUST appeared at the tail end of season one, and the tease was promising, but hearing Van get to play with this absolute lunatic, capturing the guy’s erratic nature while remaining grounded and active, is one of the high points of each episode.

One More Thing

My all-queer improv troupe Butt Gay went to Nashville last month to perform in the Third Coast Comedy Festival. We went on our fair share of capers around the city, but for me the true highlight was watching diverse improv teams at the top of their game. I may never meet these performers again, but I’ll always remember what they laid out bare on the stage — particularly one musical improv duo who had the entire theatre sobbing, not because what they were doing was funny but because they had tapped into the audience’s primal need to hear that things were going to be okay.

Eight years after writing this newsletter’s opener, despite being in a wildly different place in my life, I’m threatened by those same feelings of impotence, grief, and anxiety. Speaking about them seems trite — either you get where I’m coming from or you don’t. The main difference now is, I can skip past the months of worrying if my work is worthwhile. Being in that room, feeling dozens of people empowered by a silly story made up on the spot, was a stark reminder that storytellers of all stripes will always be needed, that while words can be spears they can also be anchors, or balms, or nutrients.

I still can’t fulfill the dream I had of providing for unnamed strangers, feeding others before myself and sheltering any who ask. But I no longer feel trapped in the dark.